My First Day In Heaven Sucks!
Author – Light
THIS IS A WORK BY AN AMATEUR WRITER, NOT A TRANSLATION. PLEASE DON’T CONFUSE THIS FOR A TRANSLATION.
WARNING! THIS SERIES IS DISTURBING AND THUS AIMED FOR
MATURED READERS! IF YOU FIND SOUTH PARK-LIKE COMEDY
OFFENSIVE AND EXCESSIVE POOP JOKES DISGUSTING, THEN
THIS ISN’T FOR YOU! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Panda: Not even joking about the disclaimer. Don’t click “read more” if you can’t stand crude humor or get disgusted easily.
On a side note, we’re still looking for TLCs and more amateur writers. Feel free to email me about posting your works at email@example.com! We hope to see more amateur writers here.
My dear readers, how are you doing in this very fine day?
I really hope you’ll enjoy the first chapter of this series….because in the end, the protagonist is an idiot who died because he haven’t taken a shit in a few weeks.
I, of course, had my bowel expand to the the point where I started throwing up shit.
Oh, and by shit, I really mean shit.
Y’know, that brown thingy that comes out of your butt after you’ve eaten a hefty meal?
I ended up suffocating on that when my body tried to get rid of it.
Now now, I do have a ree~aally good reason for doing that……
A close friend of mine promised me a million yen if I ended up not going doo-doo for a month.
Heck, he even went to the point of letting me stay in his house…..and I was……not allowed……..to….le….ave…..
DIDN’T THAT GUY JUST WANT ME TO DIE?!
He freaking locked all of the doors and let me stay in his place for three weeks, THREE WEEKS!!!!
Muu~friendship my ass.
Err~ leaving this poopy conversation aside, I should introduce myself….no?
“Mister Alison Alex……..shouldn’t you be ashamed……?”
Ahh yes….I shouldn’t forget to mention that when people die, they are sent to the gate of the after world, also known as ‘Afterworld Registration Office’.
It’s a small sized, two story building like that of your local government office.
“Mister Alex…..you shouldn’t space out when someone asks you a question. Sigh. its not like I expected a sound response either you know……better yet, isn’t this the second time you’ve been here? you do realize that when you come here–to the after world registration office, you come in the state that you died in; right?”
As she has mentioned, I am currently in the state before I died.
Butt naked, mouth filled with shit and a swollen up abdomen.
You really don’t care about that you say……?!
That’s not all…..
I can hear some of you feminists talking about how can I make a beautiful, silver haired young goddess see me in this state!?
For you feminists who thought as much, I have a very bad piece of information to strike you down with.
This, silver haired, blue eyed young goddess has actually seen my everything…..twice!
Not only that, she even commented “wow!” when she laid eyes before my best friend!!
She might look expressionless, but she’s a pervert down to the core!!!
“Mister Alex…..did you just think of something quite rude?”
“G-giku….” I swallowed subconsciously.
With that…..I swallowed something that should never be swallowed.
With my face turning green, I began rolling on the floor in disgust.
With tears flowing right out of my eyes, I began trying to vomit it out but to no avail.
My fingers refuse to enter the dirty place called my mouth!
“Really, Mister Alex….you never cease to amaze me……with your stupidity of course.”
Hey, don’t say that with a deadpan expression!
it took a few minutes for me to recover, but as soon as I did, I continued “Is that really what you say to a person who suffered this much right in front of your eyes?! a few looks of pity or sympathy are way better than that harsh comment!”
“If you want looks of sympathy….” while saying that she pointed to her right, where other similar Office workers in their tidy suits are giving us their pity looks.
No, I should be more precise and say that they are giving their looks of pity in the direction of the young goddess, Sophia.
“But they’re all directed toward youu….”
As soon as I said that, Sophia began reaching her hands toward my head but then retracted it as quickly as well.
“I forgot…you stink.” she muttered.
She probably thought of patting Alex’s head to comfort him, but then realized-or more like remembered that he’s covered in human waste.
Alex got up from the ground and start sitting on the chair while making an “Uuuu” defeated sounds as tears began to gather in the corners of his eyes.
With a small cough in order to refresh the mood, Sophia began looking for something in the midst of all the files in her opened desk drawer.
With an expressionless “Here we go~”, She took out a huge yellow file from the desk drawer.
In case you were wondering how huge the yellow file was, it was so big that you will be left thinking how that would fit in a tiny desk drawer full of other similarly sized files.
she opened the file and began relying its contents in a monochrome tone.
“Alison Alex, Born in Yggdrasil–the tree of seven worlds. Blessed by Odin, you used to be a war hero. You rampaged throughout the seven worlds and killed the corrupted emperors and kings while saving hopeless villages. Died at the age of 32 while still being a virgin.”
After Sophia ended her little speech about Alex’s past, he felt as if his body was perished by many arrows while the young goddess reenacts the pose Alex did when they first met.
She raised her right leg and positioned it above the chair and began yelling “Commoner! where is this!?” again and again.
Alex covered his face in embarrassment and looked downward, and that’s when he noticed that Sophia’s panties were visible!
“Ahh~isn’t that a white bear kiddie panties~!”
“Wah~!? how did you know?!”
“Look at the pose you’re making at the moment, and you’ll understand.”
As soon as she realized her grave mistake, she quietly lift her leg from the chair and sat on it again.
“Hey, you perverted goddess. I never actually thought you were cute enough to wear some kiddie panties…..are you really 200 years old?”
While what appeared to be steam raising from the top of her head, she still responded with “At least I’m not some exhibitionist who is butt naked in front of the office, right? so who’s the pervert here?!”
“I’ll just say this, have you ever heard of karma!?”
With a sigh, she continued “The cause of the death is poison. about the instance of your death, you were seduced by a big breasted woman on one night, and you followed her. Just moments before you two began the act, the woman stole your first kiss with a deep one that left you poisoned. As for the poison location, upon further investigation via the mirror of truth; we found out that the lipstick used by the woman was soaked with a fast acting poison.”
“You cant really blame me there, right?!”
“I can. didn’t you show up here naked as well that time? anyhow, don’t interrupt me. I am paid to say this toward the dead….”
While sighing yet again, she continued “Mister Alison Alex was given the rare chance of reincarnation based on the white karma he has collected throughout his lifetime.”
Let me explain, the white karma is the currency used by heaven.
You’re asking if there’s a black karma?
Yes, there do exist a black karma currency, but that can only be used in hell.
“As for your second life, you have been reborn in a peaceful place such as japan in earth#201, surprisingly with the same name. just as you have requested. you died at the age of 21, a virgin. Although your cause of death is suicide; and normally that will only get you a straight ticket to hell….but by using all of your white karma, I am able to let you enter heaven. is that fine with you?”
Although I do kinda wanna see what kind of place heaven is…. But I want to be reincarnated again.
I mean, seeing new worlds and living different lives can be quite fun…..and I heard that heaven is a never changing while the living world is flowing with evolutions.
I don’t want to live in a boring place such as heaven……
“C-can’t I be reincarnated….again?”
“You cant. the option has been locked for Mister Alex because you have wasted your precious body by
committing suicide. the human god is quite furious with Suiciders y’know….after all he went through to make your bodies.”
Alex dropped his shoulders in disappointment when he heard that he can no longer be reincarnated.
Damn bastard…! and I even trusted you…..if I ever see your smug ever again, I’m totally going to bury you with my own two hands!
Alex nodded as he was cursed his back stabbing best friend back in the living.
“What the hell is this?”
As soon as I entered heaven, a floating screen thingy appeared right in front of me.
By the way, Sophia went out of her way and bought me some clothes…..I truly feel endless gratitude toward her and tried to hug her…although all that was left was a red mark on my left cheek~!
Isn’t that horrible?!
As I was saying that, a transparent, shadowless figure was approaching.
As it got closer and closer, I started to recognize the figure.
Its a humanoid Ghost.
“Welcome to heaven~! I am the acting guard of gate #771. my name name is Drake~ Pleased to make your acquaintance~!!”
And it appeared to be super friendly Ghost.
After a moment of confusion, Drake, the ghost, invited me to a bar.
Of course, He is already aware that I don’t have any karma on me…….
So this time, its on him.
“So anyhow, Drake…..what is this window thingy that appeared out of nowhere?”
“Ohh~ you mean the one that shows your ranking?”
“Yes! In heaven, everyone starts with a rank, even though it isn’t the lowest! they continue to raise their ranks in hope of reaching rank SSS and become true gods! Although only two of the living ever reached that rank….”
“Ohh….you can become a god……? Also, what’s this about F not being the lowest rank?”
“Well~ the lowest rank is G…”
“Ahh…does that stand for Ghost……?”
Drake hangs his head between his hands in embarrassment, and probably in regret as well.
“So anyhow….I would like to know how am I going to live from now on?”
I tried to change the subject with the next action that I should take……and that is, getting a shelter.
“Ahh….you can use your leftover karma to buy a house….or rent a room in an inn……”
Says the dejected Drake, but he soon regains his liveliness and continues “Ahh! this bar also works as an inn! they have spare rooms above, so you could probably rent one?”
After he said that, I had to remind Drake that I’m already broke.
That’s when an old man interrupted our conversation.
“Ohh? if you’re looking for a way to get a room even if you’re broke, you can always play a little game i have here!”
I answered with “A game……?” while titling my head.
“Yes. here in heaven, you make bets and try to win them in order to gain privileges that weren’t available to them before, while also gaining ranks. Not to forget, it is also a way to gain karma.”
“If that was the case…..then please, let me play that game of yours!”
While Drake tried to stop me from agreeing without listening to the rules first, I gave no heed to his warnings because I’d rather not live on the streets~
“Alright~! then in that case….if you lose, I’ll have you work here for the next…..200 Years? of course, your rank is going to go down to G. Although you’ll be living here and be given three meals a day….isn’t that great?”
The old man said that while revealing a vicious smirk as that of a predator.
And without a doubt, I was its prey.
Alex, without paying attention to the old man’s sudden change of expressions, suddenly sharpened his eyes and asked “And the game?”
“Ahaha~ I’ll be having you taste a few dishes of mine…One of them is going to be spoiled. I want you to realize which one of them it is, alright?”
Isn’t that pretty easy!
“Alright old man, You’re on!”
The old man quickly ran toward the kitchen to get his dishes set, and I waited for him with an empty stomach!
“A-are you going to be fine……?”
“What’s with that look, Drake?! Don’t you know who I am!? I’m called the God’s Tongue Alex y’know!”
Muu, what’s with that look of doubt?!
I’ll cry yo!
“Alright Lad, all the dishes are ready!”
Alright, the smell looks good!
Let’s head there now…
“Woah!? Aren’t they all the same dishes?!”
“Yup! They’re all meat stew. Try to taste them a bit, and find out which one has gone bad, alright lad?”
Damn, all five dishes look so delicious!
And the smell….god the smell!
What did that old man do to get all of these to smell so juicy?!
I feel the saliva is running rampant inside my mouth!
“Old man, are you sure one of these has gone bad?!”
Hmm…I guess I’ll have to taste ‘em eh….
Off goes the first spoon!
Alright, so it wasn’t dish number 1!
Let’s try the rest~
“God dammit! they all taste the same! all taste good! are you sure one of them has gone bad?!”
God dammit old man, why do you have a satisfied smile on your face?!
Are you saying that I’m sure to lose?!?!?!
“Well then Lad, which dish so you think has gone bad? Every answer is acceptable. Even if all of them or none of them are bad.”
Dammit, he’s playing me for a fool!
Come on Alex, think of something….!
“I think that all of them…..are…..bad…..”
“Why is that so, old man?!”
“The first one you ate was bad~ Now then, I recommend a visit to the bathroom in…right about now?”
Dammit old maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!