Err, Hello! Nice to meet ya fellows! I have nothing to say, alright?!
Right right, a warning to all of ya, if you don’t like south park-like humor and a tiny bit of foul language then pass this one up~ this is aimed for mature readers! blah blah blah~ Anyhow, enjoy!
P.S: The series’ name is ‘Is Heaven Supposed To Be Like This?!’
I Thought Heaven Was Boring!
Yesterday, i asked the old man more about the rankings, and how to rank up so to say.
“The thing about ranking is, you can buy your way up until rank C, but from there you can only rank up via two ways. And that is, going through the Coliseum, where you fight until you knock out your opponent for great rewards. Because people can’t be killed here in heaven, the penalty for losing is as heavy as the reward for winning. So I don’t quite recommend this way, and then there’s gambling. In gambling, you can either defeat enough people to gain a new rank or you get your opponent to wager their ranks. Also, your rank is regularly updated by the god of rankings, so it should be alright. Its honestly funny how the god of contracts and the god of rankings are working together even though they are on such bad relations….either way, those windows you saw earlier are the works of both gods.”
I understood what he meant, after he simplified it 5 times.
He explained it to me….5 times with every time simpler than the last….
Do people take me as an idiot?!
So as to raise my self-esteem, I began my morning exercises.
I could hear an excited shout behind the door.
No….to be exact, the door is open and there’s a young, short blue haired girl in front of me.
She began calling her dad in a louder voice.
I ran toward her and grabbed her by the body with one hand and another inside her mouth.
I took her inside my room and closed the door.
I….of course locked the door as well.
D-don’t worry, I’m not a pedophile!
“Hey old man. Why were you making poses in front the mirror and saying ‘I’m the best’ and ‘I’m too smart for anyone to understand me’? are you lonely? are you an idiot??”
This young girl, who was wearing a yellow one piece dress and a hairpin, made a drastic change to her earlier cute and innocent personality.
Yup….this sadistic little girl is the bar’s old man’s daughter.
Although it seems like I’m the only one who noticed her true nature……
“Hey Angeline……can you keep quiet about what you just saw…..? here, I’ll give you this candy.”
“I don’t want one measly hard candy.”
“Ugh….fine, here’s a second one.”
“Just two? I’ll make sure that everyone in here realizes that you’re an idiot. Although I doubt anyone haven’t noticed yet. Even though you just came to heaven yesterday, your stupidity is already public knowledge.”
“Hey! Why are you doing this to me……? here’s the whole jar……so can you please keep quiet about this….? also, I can never see your cute personality the same ever….you demon.”
“Ehehe~ You’re such an easy mark, old man! I’ll make sure to make you learn the ways of the world so you don’t get tricked out there~♪ ☆”
Ways of the world my ass.
All you want is my candy……..and that’s the second jar already……
Oh yeah, she stole my jar yesterday after crying to the old man about how I ‘abused her’.
I was scared for my life by that frightening glare…..I almost peed my pants!
Now how am I going to get my energy in the mornings?!
Do I have to eat….breakfast…….?!
I don’t want to eat breakfast…….it’s the cursed meal.
The cursed meal that activates your bowels!
The cursed meal the makes your body wants to take a………shit.
I head downstairs toward the bar that acts like a diner before night-time.
“Hey old man….your daughter is a devil….”
Oh shit, I was trying to practice how to say it while going down the stairs, but ended up saying it to the old man in person!!!
“What!? My daughter is an angel! She’s my own angel~!! in no way is she like that……do you want me to kick you the hell out of here….?!”
While saying that, the old man’s eyes turned serious…..
This guy is actually going to do it…..
Speak of the devil.
“Daddy~ don’t worry……..I don’t think mister Alex is that bad….y’know…..? so please don’t kick him out….!”
That’s when it happened.
The bear eyed old man suddenly narrowed his eyes, with tears falling down toward his cheeks, he said “Of course not, my angel~! Not when you ask so earnestly…..how can I ever kick out this trash……? even if he is trash. if trash is gold in my daughter’s eyes, then its gold!”
That’s when he suddenly turned toward me.
“You……..what are to my daughter………?! Want me to kill you?!?!??! I’m not handing over my daughter y’know!!! OVER.MY.DEAD.BODY. try to even get near her when I’m around…….and I’m going to kill you!”
“W-wah?! But I didn’t do anything….”
That’s when Angeline revealed a smirk toward me.
“A-anyhow, isn’t about time you make me breakfast…….? I’d like to eat omelet…..”
Just as I said that, the old man brings out a plate and cracks open the egg on top of it.
“There you go.”
“Ehh~?! But that’s not an omelet, isn’t that just raw eggs?!”
“What? Isn’t that good enough for a person like you??”
“Ehh……at least give me some rice…will you?”
“Only this once though.”
He went back toward the kitchen and then he came back with….a handful of rice.
He dumped that handful into the plate that had the raw eggs.
He said “Enjoy~” with a huge grin on his face.
Although this old man tried to bully me more….it seems he doesn’t know the Japanese population.
the best breakfast in japan is raw eggs in rice with soy sauce…!
I took my plate and sat on the furthest table near the exit.
I began pouring the soy sauce that was on the table on top of the rice and then began mixing the three.
After that, I began enjoying the pleasant meal that I haven’t had for at least a month.
But soon enough…..I ate everything.
As I finished my meal in regret, the old man came to my table with another plate full of rice and handed it to me with a sigh and said “I never saw someone enjoy such a disgusting meal with a happy expression such as the one you showed.”
- In heaven, only Gods can live without water and food. It was made like that in order to make the deceased more familiar in heaven just like they were when they were alive.
“Alright, now that you’ve enjoyed that disgusting meal of yours, let’s head to the real business.”
I’m still not ghostly transparent yet.
“Ahh~ Question Old man! What happens if I want to take a visit to the toilet before turning into a ghost? do all the waste just fall down from inside my body?”
“………….I shouldn’t have allowed you a final meal.”
“So this warrants a visit to the bathroom……?”
“Just go empty your stomach lad. I’ll turn you into a slave after that.”
What, a slave?!
“Are you Homo Old man?!”
Oh, the Old man started glaring daggers at me….
“Alright, I’m sorry! I’ll be heading out now, alright?!”
Hehe, that’s a simple faint for me to run away!
Freedom, here I come!
“I expected that you would run away…..so I made sure I gave you rotten eggs, Lad.”
Just as I was about to take a few steps toward the exit, my stomach exploded with eery sounds.
“The bathroom is that way.”
He pointed toward the a door that was beside the counter, just next to the set of stairs that take you up to the rooms of the inn.
Although the distance is laughable, for the current me, it’s pure torture.
“I’m going to curse you till the end of my life, OLD MAN!!!”
As soon as he said that, I ran toward the bathroom at full force.
I took a right after the counter, and before me were some stairs that led to the Inn, and a single door that led to the bathroom.
I quickly opened the door and entered.
Right in front of me, I saw the toilet.
While on my right, a mirror was hung on the wall and a sink below it.
I quickly took off my pants and jumped toward the toilet
I can’t really poop while my pants are between my legs….I just can’t!
I don’t think anyone in the world hates poop as much as I do.
So as to get rid of the hate and finish with my business, I began singing a song.
“Old man~ I hope you die~ thank god I don’t know your name~ because if I did, I would totally curse you~ Right about now~”
it started out normal, but then…
“Everyone in the club wanna~Make poop! Everyone in their car wanna~Make poop! Everyone running late~Just make poop!
When you’re dodging traffic cause you gotta take a dump~ No matter how good you drive you’ll always hit a bump~ But you will get home now sooner or later~ But cross your fingers that you have toilet paper!”
a whole one man concert broke out.
“Have you ever had to take a shit at a zoo?
Maybe at school?
Maybe in a pool?
Sometimes I have to take a shit in the drive through~O-ohh—?!”
While in midst of singing the crescendo, the door bursts open!
And to my surprise, it’s a girl so beautiful; she could be mistaken as the god of beauty.
A girl so beautiful, she would turn everyone in the heavens heads over heels for herself.
Now now, let us not forget.
The toilet is directly positioned in front of the door.
Which means…..she is currently seeing my everything.
This is all your fault, old man!
Why the hell design such a trap-like bathroom old man?!
Of course, I wanted to clear this misunderstanding, telling her how she opened the door….but then I remembered that I didn’t lock the door, at all.
I want her to excuse me, and close the door….but as soon as I opened my mouth…
That slipped out.
She was pretty much….petrified.
Umm…if you’re not planning on getting out….at least close the door…..?
Is what I want to say, but I need to make sure this girl doesn’t feel like she’s at fault.
“Miss, I feel flattered that you’re enjoying the scenery and all, but could you please step out the door and wait for a bit?”
Is what I planned to say.
but what left my cursed mouth was……
I ended up screaming like a girl.
The beautiful girl, who returned to her senses, quickly moved about and punched me through the stomach.
I feel like that was the punishment for not locking the door…but that punch will only further worsen the situation yo….
~Bloop, Bloop, Blooooop!
She just hit the eject button.
Her long blond hair danced in the air as she furiously moved to the counter.
She opened her beautiful red eyes and glared at the Old man, and quickly shouted “What kind of place has a bathroom for both genders?!”
Hehe, Old man won’t be frightened by a beautiful girl y’know!
Look at how he looks, he can easily eat you for breakfast young lady!!
“I-I-I-I’m t-t-t-t-terribly sorry!!!!!”
H-hey old man?!
Why did you suddenly stutter and go face first at the counter?!
You even cracked the thing!
“P-please spare me Lad! I don’t want to be killed! Shut your trap for a moment!!”
“I didn’t feel like taking it out at this….customer of yours, but I will make you pay for it Mister.”
“A-a-a-ah, Young Goddess……I-I-I’m terribly sorry….I’ll construct a separate bathroom right this instant!!! A-and, that Lad isn’t a customer of mine, h-he’s a slave!”
The girl snapped her neck with the speed she turned to look at me.
I don’t understand what happened because I just recovered from the Old man’s sudden jab at the counter.
Really, even if you flatter me, I can’t go out with you young lady~
I hate spoiled people after all.
You seem way too spoiled.
“Is that so….But he doesn’t seem to be a G rank?”
“T-t-that’s because I’ve yet to apply the change to the rank!”
The girl began to nod as if she just thought of something.
Even if you rock that beautiful body, if you lack in the breast department then it won’t do you any good yo.
Although I like ‘em flat too.
“I’ll be taking him then, Mister. Since he seems to still doesn’t understand the offense of his actions…..I’ll be thoroughly. I also needed someone to house keep my new home….Indeed, that’ll do Mister. I won’t be doing further damage to your place if you agree with me of course.”
…………….Go for it Old man!
I’d rather be working with this nice Young lady rather than a macho old man!!
Yay~ Young lady, you aren’t spoiled at all!
In fact, I think you’re too smart!
But of course you’ll be needing me~
I clean your house no matter how big it is, and if you want to be spoiled, I’ll clean you as well!!!
“Y-yes of course!”
The old man seemed to be operating some kind of invisible window while nodding frantically, and the Young Lady seemed to be digging daggers at me with her stare.
From now on, I’m upgrading Young Lady to Mistress!
What the hell?!
“Mistress, don’t go swinging that knife at me?! To begin with, how the hell did you get that knife?!?! I’m pretty sure there weren’t any tactical knives at the counter!!! And why are you swinging it at me?! Let me warn you Mistress, I’m proficient in martial arts! It’s called running the fuck away!!!”
Let’s make a run for it!
To the door!!
Do You Want To Escape?
“W-what the hell is this?! Y-yee—-!”
Just before I could hit the yes button, A sharp pain ran from my neck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it huuurttts!!!!
I began raising my hands toward the place that hurts like anything in this world, only to find a sharp object sticking out.
I take a look toward the direction of Mistress, only to find the tactical knife that she swung around missing.
I began vomiting blood.
Fucking shit, is this fucking even possible?!
She threw the fucking knife straight toward my neck!!!!
YOU GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!
SHIT SHIT I’M GOING TO DIE IN HEAVEN ON MY SECOND DAY?!
“Relax Lad, as I said earlier, you can’t die here.”
O-oh right, if that thing was seriously going to kill me…then I would’ve been dead already……
L-looking closely, the gallons of blood that I’m gushing out are all green…..
Wait, why green?
Well, as long as it’s not red then I’m safe……?
You should’ve said so earlier!
But it still hurts nonetheless….
That’s when the pain subdued and the knife fell from my neck, welcoming the ground as its new partner.
“You……Why did you do that?!”
I’m still angry though.
This fucked up girl should know her place!
You shouldn’t go taking dangerous knives out and throwing them at people’s necks, it’s dangerous and painful!
…….Not that you can die from them.
But it’s still painful!
Alright guys, let’s grab the knife and show how exactly how painful it is!
I-I can’t grab the knife…
Ehh~ My hands are transparent as well!?
They keep going through the knife!!!
“Good job. Now Lad, you’ve become this Young Goddess’ Property. Make sure to behave well is all I can ask for…..”
The girl looked at me with inner rage as she licked her beautiful thin lips in anticipation.
Well then……umm…..this should be interesting….?